The Enigma of Being ME!!!!...

Somebody asked me, what is it that appeals to you?, what car do you dream of?, what is the pay package you are aiming for?

Ironically, I had no straight answers!!

I only have a vague idea about what really appeals to me, becoz unlike great people, who love to do what they do again and again, I dont. May be thats why I kinda like doing things like a ppt or may be talk n discuss because thats not monotonous.

I dont like to study for hours to be a top of class.I dont even mind not studying at all if a frend calls up after a long time and is one of those with whom i was dying to talk to for ages.....

Preparing for the exam next day and postponing the talk??... May be I'm not even an inch close to being a pragmatist let go of being an idealist....

Every body loves movies and music, but i dont devote my time to them for entertainment, I do it becoz thats one of the best ways of killing time while I learn to pick out some dialogue or a lyric that could inspire me not to kill the forthcoming period.

I am always looking for motivation but hardly put it to use for myself .
Yes,I can motivate you! Thats probably where all my motivation is consumed.

Talk of my achievements?
Well,none that I could be certified for but yes there are some intangible awards that make me feel good.
It makes me feel good when someone, after achieving his dream comes to me and says... "Man, you played a big role in my success"
It feels good when someone says, "I cannot share this mental burden with anyone but you, becoz i know u'll understand"
It feels good when your friend helps you in the time of desperate need even if it costs him his parents ire.

I know its all philosophical and its nothing extra-ordinary.All such intangible achievements are achieved by everyone.But ask yourselves, do we really care about them in the long run?

I like to nurture them... treat them as an investment that would reap long term benefits.

What do I( or even you) learn from all this?
Isnt this all just some idealistic bull-shit?

Well, not to me.
I learnt to let go and still hold on, unlike most others who either totally let go or meagerly cling onto, what they cant but should have forgone.
I learnt that I am not the one in control and hence unlike many others, who shall die fighting their lives out to take control of life itself,I dont try too hard.Believe me, at times its better not to try too hard, just to mitigate the disappointment that might follow.And yes, I misjudge, I'm lazy and dont want to work my ass off, so there are a lot of disappointments.

But still I HAVE to achieve something.Its preposterous to see that happiness today is valued materialistically. Heavier pockets ensure better affordability of a smile,a better capacity to win over a heart.It has become a parameter for meeting expectations, a norm for social acceptability and worst, your own conscious' acceptance of your being.                        I know one thing that I like, for sure. Living in the moment. I dont like to think much about what might follow. Yes, I too have expectations from my future and NO I'm not doing enough to make sure they are met.But, its ok. I somehow have this strong belief that at the end of it all, everythings gonna be just fine and its your prerogative to either smile your way through the journey of life or keep grumbling under your breath for one failure or the other,coz failure is inevitable.But so is success and success,somewhat like greatness, no matter how brief stays with the man forever(courtesy The Replacements)

As for the thing that I would love to do whole my life like Steve Jobs wanted us to find, I would like to answer him by saying, "I am still looking for it, and I wont 'settle' till I find it" .(in a hope that eventually something will strike me for sure.....)

Till then, I'll live content in a life where I try to make ends meet, the ends between how I want my life to be and how it should be.

The thing that excites me the most as well as scares me and my family the most is that I may never 'settle'...I may never be able to pick up that one great work and do it again and again...not even writing another article like this one, atleast for a long.. long time to come.....

:) :)
Sam.......